List

Alright, this is it. The list.

In it, I find the things that I fear most, desire most, want most and need most. All those things I feel I need to accomplish in this lifetime. Please don't take this as a list that is all inclusive. I acknowledge that this list will change, shorten or even grow during my life time. The evolution of this list is proof of my existence and my will to live.

Most importantly, it is proof to myself that I'm alive...

1.To be self-sufficient and independant - I feel like life can throw lemons at any time. I would to be able to know that if I happen to end up being a cat lady without friends or family, that I would be okay. On my own. By myself.

2. To continue learning - I never want to feel stagnant and mentally "dead". Even if my life becomes so routine that my days feel like duplicates of an old boring photograph , I want to discover other things that feed my mind and challenge my skills and capabilities.

3. To be in the company of those I admire - Now this can sound a bit harsh but I won't revoke it. I don't like being around people whom I do not admire. I believe that friendships are an amazing way to learn and grow. I like to look at my friends and say, "yes, you are truly unique and I know exactly what it is about you that I would like to see in myself". I want to surround myself with people that I can learn from and always be in constant company with those who are more successful, stronger and more creative than I am.


4. To never forget where I came from - As far as family drama goes, mine could contest the best and take the prize. Although I can't say that I want to necessarily be exactly like my family, I don't ever want to forget where I came from. I came from humble beginnings and I grew up to understand and appreciate the simple things in life since that sometimes was all that we had. I learned to be so content with this that hardly anyone knew that we were struggling financially and emotionally and so, because of this, I feel prepared to take on the world. I want to hone what I love about my family and improve on their weaknesses. Overall, I consider myself a better person for it.


5. A place to call my own - I can't say that growing up in two households was easy. Although my parents did everything possible to make my weekly transitions from one house to the next pleasant, I always felt disorganized, anxious and uprooted. As a result, I'm always seeking consistency even though I know that settling into a routine makes me one boring gal. I want to have the walls of my house painted with me and the voices of those I love echoed through its hallways. I feel well on my way towards this and so, this is one goal I'm not worried about achieving.

6. Seeing things for what they are and not what I've been told they should be - Little is attractive to me than the ability to relate to people genuinely. I want to challenge my preconceptions (I'm not going to lie, I have some...) and step out of my comfort zone. When I look around me, I want to see my shelves come alive with memories of old friends, travels, and tests of faith and inner - strength. I want to come to my own, well contested, conclusions. World, here I come.

Thanks for hearing me out - there's a lot more where this comes from but these are the first things that come to mind. I'm neglecting a lot here, and I'm well aware of it. I think I'm still trying to figure out how to word the hardest, most intimate thoughts. Ha! We'll see how it goes the next time Inspiration takes hold. Stay tuned for more about me =)

- interlude -

p.s = get used to seeing "interludes" - I would consider it a tragedy if I ever actually finished this list. To consider the thought of never dreaming and striving for something would be to consider me dead. Yikes.

(Photo credits:Some.day)

Complexity

Being my friend can be tough but satisfying. You're in for long talks, genuine interest, contemplative advice, encouragement and...brutal honesty. I know that at times this might not always be the best thing. Hell, even my friend Frank doesn't like frankness (hahaha...okay, I know, that was bad...)

I told a colleague of mine today who was complaining about being too blunt and brazen that I rather enjoyed it and that I rather not spend the time having to decipher what someone is saying instead of actually hearing what they are saying. Fair enough?

The strangest part of this all is how, regardless of all the candid, downright, direct statements and actions I throw out into the world, those coming back at me tend to be...complex. So here comes my inquiry on the topic of complexity. Not necessary complexity of words, or life events specifically, but as a whole. Complexity. Let's talk.



Not to get too analytical but is it possible that it is just the nature of things to be complex? Thinking about it, the world is full of events that aim in different ways to combine, build and become more complex. Take the Big Bang for example; the universe was a rich soup made out of simple bits of things and then it expanded and cooled so that these bits came together to make particles. Particles then came together to make the first atoms and consequently more stars and planets. Here follows everything else in the history of the universe that we come to know.

The aim of civilization is to continue to grow and improve upon what our forefathers founded. We naturally try and attain the unattainable, discover the unknown and charter the most complex paths through innovation and ingenuity. Success will always bring about a relative level of complexity for any party involved. You must push your limits to legitimately obtain all that you work for and I know that all would agree in me saying that "it ain't easy".

Do we have a natural tendency towards complexity?

(Photo credit Rico*oneday)

Lovely but lonely...

* sigh *



Who saw this coming? Sir Plant-alot (a.k.a Vick) has gone on a conference to spread his scholarly wisdom in Boston meaning that I am alone for a week. I know, a week! That's it! Just a few sleeps and he'll be back but still, I find myself pretty darn restless. First of all, I've cleaned the apartment twice already (!!!) and I've done the laundry (mind you, he only left yesterday). You can call me "domestic goddess extraordinaire" but my behaviour ain't foolin' anyone - I'm just lonely!

The fact that I'm lonely within 22.45 hours of him leaving (yes, I'm counting) is precisely what shocks me. Anyone who knows me well enough usually realize that although I love people, I cherish my me time. I enjoy being with myself. Being an "only-child" and progressing through life as a socially awkward/independant twenty something, I find myself constantly yearning for the quiet oasis of my room or the solitude that came with reading a dusty volume off my father's immense bookcase in the basement of my youth.

I've always been the type of girl that kills her own centipedes and pays her own bills. The type of person that can spend days on end with herself and still find enough inspiration in her thoughts to sustain her.

Lately, I feel like I'm always around people and while this is a good thing for my moods and for personal development (because you never learn very much if you're the only one teaching you), I feel a bit lost as to what to do when I'm by myself again.

I think I will use this time to listen to myself whisper things I should have heard long ago but didn't have the time to hear. I hope to enjoy my time catching up on the small simple things that makes me happy.

(Photo credit elise)

Something to think about...

Often times, we question why we suffer to the degree that we do. We wonder of the moral that we are supposed to extract from the dark days and painful nights we occasionally have to face in order to grow. Do we necessarily have to suffer when we feel pain?

I read this recently, on pain and suffering...

Pain can exist without suffering, and it is also possible to suffer without feeling pain. The difference between them is...what we learn from pain - for example, that fire burns and is dangerous, is always for ourselves alone, but what we learn from suffering is what unites us as one human people. If we do not suffer with our pain, then we have not learned anything about ourselves. Pain without suffering is like victory without struggle.

Sorry about the somewhat gloomy subject. It's just an interesting thought that I wanted to share with you and, well, let's face it...life isn't always peaches.

Any comments on this?

Why I love it: Books

Cyril Connolly sums it up.

"While thought exists, words are alive & literature becomes an escape, not from but into living"

Literature has always been one of my most passionate loves. Nothing makes me feel better than a beautiful word printed on an old dusty page laden with dried tears and moist with anxious sweat of my reading.

What do you love?

(I can't remember where I got the image from, sorry!)

Sunday Musings

52/11 - Weight Of The World
Originally uploaded by *lemonade*

Happy Sunday everyone!

I woke up relatively early and made a lovely breakfast. I'll be making some tea in just a while and hopefully my mum and our family friend might come visit for late lunch. I'm looking forward to seeing her - I haven't in a while. With the chaos and stress of my life as of late, I'm not surprised that I'm craving some motherly attention. Plus, she always has the best goodies in her purse and the sweetest smelling hand creams...(how she fits all those things in there is beyond me!)

Still reading Shantaram and happily doing so. I hope that it never ends. This book just lets my mind run free and rampant but gathers me up just in time to gain the focus necessary to relate to its experiences and messages.

We all feel that we ought to learn something from life and the feelings we associate with it each day. Really though, how often do we manage to do that? The more negative the feelings, the harder it seems to be to find truth and meaning despite the sheer "miserableness" of it all.

I loved this passage.

I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you feel them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

How hauntingly true.

I figure that you can only keep running for so long before you just have to face it, whatever it is and work through it. Don't get discouraged during these times dear reader; it is then that you can learn the most about the extent of your personal strength.

Enjoy your Sunday regardless of what you're facing. There's always something to be thankful for.

(Photo by Lemonade)

I have a feeling I can be someone (be someone, be someone)

Every month or so, I get up the courage to listen to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman and promise myself that I won't cry. Every month or so, I stand corrected.

I really don't know what it is about that song.

It's not that I necessarily strongly identify with it. I don't often feel like running away from my life and it certainly isn't nearly as rough for me as it portrayed in the song.

I guess that, to a degree, we all wish that we had a fast car to fly away in and the optimism it takes to see a brighter future. In the end, what really hits home is that, no matter what, you can still aspire and endure.

Remember that folks. Nothing has the power to break your spirit.

(Photography by Chris Blott)

A Story's Worth

Taken from Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, this adeptly describes how necessary it is that we know, acknowledge and embody each others stories no matter how far from our realities they might seem. In truth, I feel this is why I sojourn to this blog during my day. It's the reason why I write to you...

There's a truth that's deeper than experience. It's beyond what we see, or even what we feel. It's an order of truth that separates the profound from the merely clever, and the reality from the perception. We're helpless, usually in the face of it; and the cost of knowing it, like the cost of knowing love, is sometimes greater than any heart would willingly pay. It doesn't always help us to love the world, but it does prevent us from hating the world. And the only way to know the truth is to share it, from heart to heart...

It's around 1:15 a.m but I'll be up for a while yet. Il y aura une nuit blanche bien necessaire. Just wanted to take a break and share this with you.

Drawing Lines

As far as I can remember, I've been drawing lines.

Lines on the sidewalk separated me from my enemies during simple games in the summers of my childhood.

Lines appeared, pre-determined and strong, after I became the socially reclusive teenager.

Even now, lines are written on the walls of my mind that limit me from people, places and things.

Self protection, invincibility, independence, being cautious, being smart - you can call it what you want but I know now that it all boils down to being scared.

I boast that I've learned the joys of throwing myself head-first into the unknown knowingly but have I done that lately? The simple answer is no...

The easiest solution to this would be to stop drawing lines in my life and take a leap of faith. Instead of a do-not-cross I should instead throw myself a life line - a line to pull me out of myself and into the world.

I know that I would regret this choice on occasion because I'm bound to be disappointed. Who isn't after all? I figure that as long as I find meaning and beauty in the pain, I will be alright.

There's no way that I will become the cultured, experienced and wise person that I aspire to be if I stay within the lines I've drawn for myself.

In fact, despite all the horrible and hurtful things I might experience on the other side, I'm pretty sure that the view from there would be spectacular....

My Refusal to be Prosaic

When writing papers the night before they are due, it is definitely tempting to abandon style and fluidity and just provide content. However, I seem to need that addition of "myself" in everything I write regardless of the amount of hours it takes me just to do that. Anyone can write something quickly and provide the content needed for debate/analysis but I am of the opinion that this is the easy way out. The catch: this choice for quantity over quality reflects not only the end result that is your paper, but it also reflects your ability to think introspectively and to have the courage and pride that it takes to put yourself "out there" in every thing you say and do.

I know, it sounds a bit abstract but in all honesty I think it's applicable.

Whether it be paper writing or conversation, I notice that many people just settle for getting the job done and disregard the real purpose of writing papers or having conversations - self knowledge. If you don't give it your all, how do you expect to get anything real out of the experience?

This is the problem that many students are encountering these days - they are missing the point of education. As a university student, I find myself lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of a community wherein discussion can be rich and worldly knowledge is high.

Why not take full advantage of the situation?

Put yourself out there. It may "waste your time" but in the end, trust me, you'll be gaining a lot more...