Mysteries

How do we make our choices? Do we logically think them through? Where do our instincts and gut reactions come into play? How about those decisions made in total confidence that fate will intervene in the best way possible?

I feel that as of late, I've been waging a bit of a war with my life, the way I live it and how I understand it. It's not so much that I have choices to make that would tangibly affect my life (no new workplaces, new majors, or new houses) but rather, I feel that I've started a mini-revolution of the mind. At first glance, it sounds like an opportunity to challenge myself and to "think outside the box" however, I don't seem to be taking it as well as I hoped.

I've been presented with endless possibilities that have the potential to change my thought structure and in so doing, the way I comprehend my existence. Although I am elated at times at this prospect, I feel crippled by the doubts and fears that creep through the depths of my mind. I also can't get over the cost associated with this mini-reinvention of self.

I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought of hurting people just to pursue what I feel is best for myself. The risk is acceptable if I am the only one who stands to lose but it rarely is the case that, as Simon and Garfunkel once put it, I am a rock, I am an island.

Walking into the unknown worries me most when I am choosing to affect the lives of people around me by making a change in my life. What if my reasons for change turn out to be misinformed? What if this path leads me nowhere? Just because I strive for more, does that mean that I drop everything that can't give that to me? I can't help but feel upset about the possibility of making a mistake and consequently hurting people unnecessarily.

Nothing is assured and however heartbreaking it is, I feel that I'm walking blindly just hoping that someone would throw me a lifeline. It is absolutely terrifying to think that I can play all my cards right, agonize and plan but still be subject to the million other factors that will ultimately decide whether or not the outcome would be as I wished and hoped. I emphasize it again: terrifying.

On a more positive note, I turn to one of my favourite poets for words of inspiration:

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I'm trying...