I feel that as of late, I've been waging a bit of a war with my life, the way I live it and how I understand it. It's not so much that I have choices to make that would tangibly affect my life (no new workplaces, new majors, or new houses) but rather, I feel that I've started a mini-revolution of the mind. At first glance, it sounds like an opportunity to challenge myself and to "think outside the box" however, I don't seem to be taking it as well as I hoped.
I've been presented with endless possibilities that have the potential to change my thought structure and in so doing, the way I comprehend my existence. Although I am elated at times at this prospect, I feel crippled by the doubts and fears that creep through the depths of my mind. I also can't get over the cost associated with this mini-reinvention of self.
I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought of hurting people just to pursue what I feel is best for myself. The risk is acceptable if I am the only one who stands to lose but it rarely is the case that, as Simon and Garfunkel once put it, I am a rock, I am an island.
Walking into the unknown worries me most when I am choosing to affect the lives of people around me by making a change in my life. What if my reasons for change turn out to be misinformed? What if this path leads me nowhere? Just because I strive for more, does that mean that I drop everything that can't give that to me? I can't help but feel upset about the possibility of making a mistake and consequently hurting people unnecessarily.
Nothing is assured and however heartbreaking it is, I feel that I'm walking blindly just hoping that someone would throw me a lifeline. It is absolutely terrifying to think that I can play all my cards right, agonize and plan but still be subject to the million other factors that will ultimately decide whether or not the outcome would be as I wished and hoped. I emphasize it again: terrifying.
On a more positive note, I turn to one of my favourite poets for words of inspiration:
"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…."I'm trying...- Rainer Maria Rilke
Hello, I follow your blog, though I'm not sure if I've ever commented before.
ReplyDeleteI don't know the particulars of what you are going through, but from what you've written here, it sounds profoundly important. And so, I just want to say: Be not afraid. I don't think anything in life is totally irreparable. And I don't think trying to change the way you view the world and how you relate with others is selfish so long as you try not to hurt them in the process. All choices we make have the potential for unintended consequences - even the choices we don't make, even when we preserve the status quo. The point is not to always avoid mistakes (though we of course wish to try) but to always meet any mistakes we do make with honesty and integrity.
So, don't let fear get in the way of doing something very important, something you may regret not trying. By all means, be cautious, but don't be too afraid. And know you're not alone.
Thank you! I'm happy to hear you like my blog and I am really very glad that whatever I could say helped you find some comfort. I really hope it all goes well for you.
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